Dr. Feyisayo Grace Ajike Adepoju is a consultant ophthalmologist and fellow of both the National Postgraduate Medical College of Surgeons and West African College of Surgeons. She runs two non-governmental organizations – Help for the Underprivileged and Television Media involved in Eye Health Promotion. This encounter between her and our Group Entertainment Editor, TOPE OLUKOLE, brings out the best in her in matters relating to marriage, childhood ambition and challenges in the home, among others. Excerpts:
Would you say your background prepared you for all the leadership roles you have played in life?
My background in a way prepared me for my roles in life. My background toughed me and made me appreciate life and the various challenges people could possibly go through and ways to relate with such. Early enough, I was made to take decisions and channel courses of action and ways forward.
How does a woman excel in her career?
To excel as a woman in a career, she needs the help of God. She must derive her strength and help from God. Secondly, a woman must know she is in a career, not on the basis of her sex (female) but because she is first a person, a human being. That ‘being’ is what the scripture refer to in Genesis 1:27 “So, God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.” It is not a coincidence that there is a ‘man’ in a woman, and a ‘he’ in a she. ‘She’ is a man with additional multi-tasking ability to nurture and bring to life, a man with a womb. She has got all it takes to succeed in her career. This is a belief I hold strongly. Thirdly, a woman must give her career all it takes – the time, devotion and dedication as much as possible. She must then work extra hard to meet up with the demand of the career as well as her other sex roles of being a wife, mother and sister to others. She must strive to ensure that the physiological demands of menses, pregnancy, child birth, breastfeeding and ‘wifery’ do not negatively impact her career. She must pray, plan and organise herself. She must respect constituted authorities and honour and respect her husband to succeed in her career. Balance is the watch word for a woman to succeed in her career; she must learn to be a ‘woman with career’ not a ‘career woman.’
How supportive is your husband in all these?
I am blessed to have a very, very supportive husband. He has never once limited my ambitions and career progression. Often, he encourages me to take on higher calls and aspire to greater heights. Again, I enjoy peace, trust and respect at home. Words will fail me to express how supportive this gentle, loving, faithful, morally-upright and God-fearing handsome boyfriend of mine for 32 years has been to me.
How have you been able to manage your roles and responsibilities as a wife and a mother?
I have two guiding principles: First, the good home does not fall from heaven; it is a great work. With prayer and the manual from the one who instituted marriage, one can. Secondly, the woman who creates and sustains a home, and under whose hands children grow to be strong and pure men and women is a creator second only to God.
There are few practical things I have found helpful, but are by no means a complete recipe:
I know and appreciate my responsibilities and strive daily to meet them. I believe it is an error with a great price to think that excelling in a career will cover up for the home.
As it relates to my home responsibilities, I ask myself: how do I want my home to be? I aspire for a peaceful, neat and loving home.
I prioritise my responsibilities, majoring in the major things or issues of life. My priority is God first, my family next, career and ministry.
I get counsel, reading the Bible and other books written by godly persons on the issue of balancing the home and career and this has immensely blessed my life.
I listen to my children and husband, their needs and suggestions. I believe they are likely to notice any imbalance well enough before harm is done.
I assign time and portion to all. Time management is key to my life. No one wastes time; time is spent and it is the hardest currency.
Strength and diligence: God blessed me with strength, good health and diligence.
I constantly ask God for help.
I enjoy lots of help from my mother of blessed memory, my spouse, friends and my workers. How do you eat an elephant? A little at a time with plenty of help from your friends.
I believe I should do whatever I do as a wife and mother with love and cheerfulness. A palace without affection is a poor hovel, but the meanest hut with love in it is a palace for the soul. – Ingersoll.
I am learning more and more to find time for myself, time to rest, rejuvenate, wait on God and take proper care of my physical and spiritual self.
I do regular assessment; I know if things are left to the end, failure might be irredeemable.
What was courtship like in your days?
The question is making me feel like I am old. When you say, “in your days” … (she laughs). In my days, courtship was courteous and shielded in some ways from parents and relations. The young man does not come into your house anyhow, and we had lots of sending friends and younger ones to each other. During our time, there was minimal contact which I found helpful. I had a very long courtship – 10 years to be precise. For the greater part, we were several miles away but communicate. We had mutual respect for each other and our goals and principles.
Has that had negative impact on marriage?
Not really. Our courtship I must say has helped our marriage; we grew together as friends and till today we are the very best of friends. The courtship enabled us to know each other, although I perfectly agree that you really get to know each other truly after marriage.
How was your courtship like?
It was fun; we were together at my graduation ceremony at the secondary school and university levels and these are important periods of my life. We played, prayed and planned together.
And did your belief come to pass?
Yes, by God’s grace.
So, what really attracted you to him at the first sight?
I cannot really say of a particular thing. When I first saw him, I felt I had known him for ages; felt he could be my friend for life. He was and is still likable. Something in my mind tells me: This is the man!
Was it love at first sight?
Likeness at first and then shortly, love. I do not know if it’s at first sight.
Any regrets so far?
No, and again, I say a capital No! No regrets. I am lucky I married the perfect will of God for me and we have worked on our marriage and still working to see we succeed with the help of God.
How do you settle disputes and what keeps the union going?
We settle disputes, which fortunately are very occasional, by talking about the issues, settling the differences as soon as possible and accommodating each other. We pray together as a family and as a couple. So, we have to settle issues as fast as possible to keep communion with God. We share the same room and bed in the 22 year of our marriage. It is hard to fight and keep fighting your room and bed mate. “I am sorry” is not far from both of us, although my husband is better in that area. We have a rule: we settle our differences ourselves; no third party. I believe strongly that the greater part of my life will be with this man. I must enjoy my life and not endure it. No harsh words or physical assault; not once in our marriage – to the glory of God. A month ago, my husband was telling our grown up children that mummy and daddy do have differences. This is because we don’t want them to grow up with a wrong impression; they have never seen us quarrel.
Can you share your growing up with us?
Growing up was tough but God is faithful. I lost my father at the age of 11 months. My mother, though not educated, was highly intelligent and God-fearing, was left all alone to care for the five of us. That explains why I attended close to six primary schools. I was head girl and best student at my last school, though I barely spent two years there. When in secondary school, the school fee was increased to N135. I had to become a day student. When I resumed for the last term, I was going to be a boarding student. My mother gave me N2 for the whole term: N1 was to take me to school and back at the end of the term. I sat in the bus and reflected that the N1 remaining for the term. The money was just enough for a day. I wept sore in the bus. Suddenly, I looked back and saw my mother standing afar and crying. I felt so terrible knowing she gave her best. I vowed never to cry in her presence or hurt her again. A strong determination to succeed came upon me.
The medical school was tougher; feeding was difficult and there were days in stretch without food. I had no money to buy a single textbook, not even exercise books. Thank God the school fee was not as outrageous as obtains now. My eldest sister, Mrs. Felicia Oyeleke – I can never forget her love and sacrifice. She is a struggling mother of six with minimal income. Mama often joked about the size of my meat when I was privileged to cook with one magi cube size. I dare not fry it, else it will disappear (laughter). Through it all, God sustained me. Giving my life to Christ in the second year made life easier. God gave me joy instead of my incessant cries and often sent me help when thing got tough. I love to share this story because it tells me there is no situation God cannot change.
When I finished secondary school I won five prizes and I was the head girl as well as the best student. At the Ahmadu Bello University (ABU), Zaria, I was the best final year graduand and won five other prizes; then, I knew God can do all things. I am glad to announce to anyone reading this testimony, that no matter the challenges you are passing through, try to bear it; do not give up. God is faithful. The challenges are stepping stones. I learnt to bake, cook, make ice cream, sew cloths and did several things to sustain myself. These training had helped me greatly in life.
What has life taught you?
Background is important but not the determinant factor of where you get to in life. Life is meaningless without God. I have tasted extreme poverty and wealth in a fair measure, and nothing brings satisfaction and joy as knowing and serving God. Life has thought me that alone, you can do something but with others you can do greater things.
Do you believe in love?
Yes, there is love and love is the father of all virtues. God is love. I have found and experienced love. So, I know there is love.
What is your definition of love?
Love is giving; love is an action word, not only about feelings. Feelings may wane and wax but love is enduring, patient, caring and is determined to do good to a person.
How did he propose?
I cannot remember clearly. He gave me a ring and said will you marry me? I cannot remember if he knelt down in the usual film manner! It’s a long while now.
Is he still romantic?
Yes.
Was there any objection to the relationship?
Initially yes. My step-father and my mother objected because of his town of origin. They had bitter experiences of some marriage gone sour from our family with some persons from his town. I had to keep saying to them that mine will be different, and that everyone from the community could not be the same. Later, I played a prank on my mother: I brought a young Ibo boy home. He was a friend of mine at ABU. When he came visiting, my mum called me in and said: “Grace, where is that other young man you brought home earlier?”
Can you share some of your marital challenges?
There were initial differences as mundane as one person wanting the light on at bed time and the other wanting it off at the same time. We also had different backgrounds and differ on some issues but we have blended and the spirit of give and take and sacrifice has helped us greatly.
Given another chance, would you still marry him?
Yes, because I believe he is God’s will for me and I have had a fulfilling and enjoyable married life.
What is your advice to the younger generation?
Believe in and develop yourself; you can make it in life. Live a life devoted to God and his service. An important junction in life is marriage. It can make or mar; choose right; seek God’s choice. Love is blind; marriage is an eye opener. In spite of the degenerate society, try to be different and stand out for God. There were still virgins in Sodom.
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